My Battle with Anxiety & Depression

October 6, 2016



At times, I can be having an amazing day, and out of no where something creeps in, without notice, I feel trapped and its like I'm screaming but no one can hear me. I try to keep my composure, because in this day and age, a young mother who battles with depression and anxiety is so taboo. People look and criticize like "what does she have to be anxious or depressed about?" Well, it's a lot really. I get anxiety attacks thinking about growing old. I haven't really dealt with getting old, because I feel like I really haven't done and wasn't allowed to do all the things I wanted to do during my youth and early 20s. If I see something that causes nostalgia, I suddenly feel like I'm drowning. Especially now, in the new 90s, every time I'm out or walk with my son something reminds me that I'm currently aging by the day. I'm trapped screaming from the inside, because I don't want to scare or show my son my weakness. I don't want others looking and judging me while I cry with my son in the park. So, how do I deal with the everyday battle with this disability? I really don't know. It's a constant battle.

I come from a family with heavy depression, manic depression and bipolar, but I've never been diagnosed with anything so severe. I do believe that my surroundings and my own inclinations have lead to the depressive thoughts. At times, I'll say it, I don't want to be around my son, and it's not cause I don't like him, it's because I'd rather him not feel the rath of my anger or depressive state. I don't get a lot of help with my son, so I don't really have anytime to myself. When I was working, I had a part time and a temp job, and because unforeseen circumstances, I had to leave both, because I had no one to watch my son while I was at work. So, I told myself I have to really give this website a try and work from home. I was doing just fine for a few months, and then it started to crumble down. So, for the past month my anxiety has spiraled out of control. I began feeling heart palpitations, nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea. It has been difficult to just focus on balancing life and the website. A lot of times, it's really hard to sit down and write the content I want for the website, and at times it's easy and pours out. It's tough to be with my son, because I don't interact with so much adults, beside my beau and sister. These things build up, and it's in those weeks or months, that I notice I'm on a rollercoaster and it's going down. I feel as if I'm sailing on a boat trying to sail away from a dark cloud, but it always catches up to me, and buries me in the grey. I wake up groggy, knowing already that it's going to be a tough day, and I hope to God that it doesn't last all week. I usually just try to get sunlight or take 5 HTP pills to maintain my mood, but even that sometimes doesn't work, cause it beams out of me. The damn cloud finds its way into my thoughts, and there I am again crying on a park bench drinking from my son's juicy juice, hoping to God the other moms don't notice me. Shiloh is running and beaming with happiness, and here I am, wishing his happiness could rub off on me, but instead, I fake it. Motherhood, and life itself is fucking hard. All these expectations that we put upon ourselves and that society puts upon women is ridiculous. I'm allowed to have off days, and I'm allowed to fear age and death. I never let these things inhibit how I raise my son, but every now and then, I do wish for days alone. Days where he doesn't have to ask me why I'm sad or if I'm angry at him. I always answer no, but bottling all these emotions inside can become dangerous, which is why I decided to write about them. I wanted to let other women or moms know that it's okay to have anxiety or depression. That it's okay to have those days where it's just like "fuck it." Because we are all humans, and we are not mannequins who have to wear a smile all day, we bleed, we cry, and we feel.

So, with this post I wish to start a month long feature and discussion about Mental Health and women. It is a safe space where we can come along and leave the cookie cutter talk at the door, and start becoming real with one another. We are not battling one another, but here to bring one another up and out of the shadows that is anxiety & depression. If you wish to write to us about your battle or want to answer our questionnaire instead- shoot us an email! contact@notyourordinarymamas.com

I was just diagnosed with Anxiety & Panic attacks after a month of uneasy heart palpitations and constant nausea. Please remember to get checked and talk to someone. It's a constant battle that you can win. If you ever have any suicidal thoughts please call the National Suicide Prevention LifeLine: 1-800-273-8255.

2 comments

  1. Thank you so much for being raw and real with what you are facing.

    I can totally relate! There are members of my family who struggle with anxiety and bipolar depression. I struggled with my own tumultuous emotions and decided to talk to someone. It was the best decision I could have made for myself.

    I hope that others are encouraged to share their stories and at the least know they are aren't alone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for reading, and also sharing your similar struggle.

      I hope others are encouraged as well!

      Delete

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